Understanding the language of emotions
“Emotions are both the “curse and delight” of our existence, and they guide our actions more than any reasoning”
Every emotion has a function.
When we start to understand what an emotion is trying to do for us, something important shifts: we stop fighting ourselves and begin responding to ourselves in a more effective, grounded way.
Emotions are not random. They are signals. And each one carries information about what matters, what’s at risk, and what needs attention.
Pain
Pain says: “Something important has been lost, hurt, or needs protection.”
Pain is one of our most basic protective systems. Physical pain tells us when something in the body has been injured so we can protect it and allow it to heal. Without it, we would not withdraw our hand when burning on a fire — and the damage would simply continue. Thanks to the pain of a wound, we instinctively protect the injured area to prevent further harm. In this sense, pain is the signal that something needs care and protection.
Emotional pain works in a very similar way.
When we experience loss, emotional pain helps us recognise that something meaningful has been hurt and needs protection. Just as physical pain leads us to protect an injured part of the body from further damage while it heals, emotional pain encourages us to slow down, turn inward, and protect ourselves from further emotional harm while we process and adapt to a new reality.
If we didn’t feel emotional pain after losing someone we love, we would be more likely to ignore, avoid, or postpone the healing process — leaving emotional wounds unattended and more vulnerable over time.
Pain is not an enemy. Despite the discomfort, emotional pain helps create the conditions needed for emotional healing. It is a form of protection that asks us to pause and take care of what has been injured.
Anger
Anger says: “A boundary has been crossed.”
Anger tends to show up when something gets in our way — when it feels unfair, intrusive, or in conflict with what we need or value. It is often activated when there is a sense of being blocked from moving towards something important.
Its function is mobilisation.
Anger gives energy. It pushes us to act, to protect our space, to defend our needs, and sometimes to create necessary change in situations that feel misaligned or harmful.
Without anger, it becomes much harder to set boundaries or stand up for what matters to us.
Anger itself is not the problem.
The difficulty usually arises in how it is expressed, contained, or acted upon.
When understood well, anger can become a clear internal signal rather than something that overwhelms or controls us.
Fear
Fear says: “Pay attention. Stay safe.”
Fear is closely linked to our survival system. Its role is to detect potential threat and prepare the body to respond quickly. It increases alertness, sharpens attention, and prepares us for action before we have even consciously analysed what is happening.
This is why fear can feel so immediate. It is designed to be.
At times, fear becomes so activated that it stops being helpful and turns into persistent anxiety. In these moments, the system remains on high alert even when there is no immediate danger present.
But at its core, fear is not the enemy.
It is a protective mechanism designed to keep us safe. The challenge is not to eliminate fear, but to get through it.
Guilt
Guilt says: “Reflect on your actions and reconnect with your values.”
Healthy guilt plays an important role in maintaining relationships and personal integrity. It helps us recognise when we have acted in a way that conflicts with our values or may have impacted someone else negatively.
In this sense, guilt can be constructive. It pushes us to reflect, repair, apologise when needed, and adjust our behaviour going forward.
Without guilt, we would be less likely to take responsibility for the impact of our actions, and relationships would become more fragile over time.
However, guilt can also become distorted.
Some people experience guilt even when they have done nothing wrong, or for things outside their control. At times, it can become a form of self-punishment rather than a guide towards repair and learning.
The key is to listen to the message and act on it — to repair the damage, apologise when needed, and avoid repeating the same mistake.
Learning to listen changes everything
Emotions are signals, not commands.
Even the most uncomfortable emotional states are carrying information. When we ignore them, suppress them, or constantly distract ourselves from them, they don’t disappear. They tend to repeat, often with increasing intensity, as if trying harder to be heard.
It can be helpful to think of emotions a bit like a child trying to get your attention. The more they are pushed away, the more persistent they become.
When we pause long enough to listen, something changes. We begin to understand what each emotion is pointing to, rather than reacting only to its intensity.
Giorgio Nardone, in his book “Emotions, Instructions for Use” and previously in “The Art of Strategy” (both published in Italian and Spanish, but not in English), uses the analogy of taming the tiger to describe the process of managing one’s own emotions. The image of the feline—both frightening and fascinating—captures well our more instinctive emotional reactions. It speaks to those archaic parts of us that are powerful, immediate, and often difficult to control. This metaphor is also present in Taoist and Zen Buddhist traditions, where it represents the human capacity to learn how to relate to instincts and passions, rather than be driven by them.
“Domesticating the tiger” means learning to manage our primary emotions (fear, anger, pain, and pleasure) and from there developing a better way of relating to all our emotional experiences. It does not mean suppressing them, but learning to work with them. It is about becoming familiar with the more instinctive parts of ourselves—learning not to fight them, but to relate to them differently, finding a more balanced way of responding rather than being driven by impulse.
From that place, a different relationship becomes possible — one where we can begin to befriend our emotions. One where emotions are no longer something to fear or control, but something to understand and work with. And it is often in this shift that we start to regain a sense of choice in how we respond, rather than feeling driven by impulse alone.
If this is something you recognise in your own experience, you don’t have to figure it out alone. In therapy, we can work together to understand what your emotions are trying to communicate and how to respond to them in a more effective and manageable way. If you feel it might be helpful, you’re welcome to get in touch to explore this further.
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